A good friend came back home to the Philippines after a long stint abroad and we had the chance to chat recently.
She shared a desire to find a bigger purpose in life. She expressed a desire to make a difference but she has no idea what it will be…. all she knows is she should look for it now while she has the chance. So with her trademark panache, she quit her prestigious job, packed her backs and moved back home.
I was relieved to hear that she felt that way because recently, I’ve been feeling the same way too. She expressed surprise as I have children and she expected that the path was clearer for me.
I disabused her of that mistaken notion that being a mother means having it together with a clear direction and goals….. mothers are just better at hiding it. Mothers just have the semblance of purpose because of the kids.
We laughed heartily in the knowledge (and a deep sense of relief) that we are not alone, no matter how different our lives may seem.
Here’s the thing, she wasn’t the only friend who expressed the same thoughts, a good friend I met recently who is based in the Philippines with a flourishing successful career in upper management expressed the same feelings.
We wondered aloud whether this was some sort of mid-life crisis, or better yet, mid-life crossroad as it’s uncanny how people our age seem to be thinking the same thing even if most people don’t actively verbalize it.
I admit I seem to be caught up in the daily grind. There’s so much that needs to be done with the day to day responsibilities of work, being the family driver and tutor, making sure the kitchens are stocked and the kids have the things they need for school.
The feeling just greatly intensified after my brother’s passing…. wondering all the time what the heck am I doing this for? It all seems so unimportant yet I can’t drop anything.
Why do I sometimes feel like I am not doing anything particularly well? Sometimes, it feels like I’m just coasting through life with the engines off (staying afloat because of Hubby S), and being a woman with some ambition, it grates at me.
I’m not unhappy. I’m actually quite content because my life is really completely wonderful by every appraisal you can make of a life. I’m really one of the truly lucky and blessed ones despite the recent bout with heartbreaking grief.
However, there’s this longing for a more tangible and concrete contribution to the world and making a mark than the highly intangible act of sending good kids out into the world. I just have no idea what I want to do.
My husband is more than supportive… if I only knew what I wanted to do. Honestly, I have NO clue.
This is why I’ve come back to blogging, which I had difficultly getting back to after Deck’s passing. People keep asking me about my blog but I haven’t gotten around much to writing again since then. It’s gotten to a point that the recall of words has dulled somewhat…. it feels like my brain went on leave.
However, now, I feel I need to find a way to center my thoughts and make my feelings concrete so I’m dragging myself back into it.
All I know right now is I get a thrill when I am able to contribute to Stan’s work and his multiple jobs and projects. It’s thrilling that my thoughts are valued and my ideas are still being implemented even if not directly by me. It’s thrilling to meet new people. It’s exciting to talk to people who are intelligent, interesting and passionate about what they do because it’s uplifting to be around people who make things happen, not just watch things happen.
I’m sure one day, the path will be made clear and I can go after my purpose with no guilt and no fear.
Until then, into the fog, go I.