Today, my beautiful baby girl C and I had a moment.
I admit, I’ve been a little hot-tempered. I blame the lack of sleep and stress of work but there’s really no excuse.
I’ve been less than a perfect mom.
And as the eldest, my poor little girl has been getting most of the brunt of it. She doesn’t deserve that.
She’s been having a difficult time because we’ve been pushing her to study by herself and trying to get her to demand more of herself in terms of performance in school. Her grades were good but, obviously, nowhere near the level she was at when we were still studying together. Of couse, it’s really not her fault as she’s still adjusting and she’s only 10 after all.
She’s been short-tempered with her little brother which is actually quite normal sibling behaviour but is causing little brother A to quake in fear sometimes. I can see though she’s been trying very hard to be more patient and she’s so much better now.
She’s also adjusting to the added responsibility of caring for her baby sibling as we’ve turned to her to be an option to carry and calm the baby during bathroom breaks. She’s been wonderful at it too. I realize now how much pressure she must be under.
I keep forgetting she’s only 10… a very mature, capable and smart 10-year-old but still… 10 is 10.
This morning, I was giggling at her because she looked so cute and she got testy and her eyes turned red with threatened tears. I was surprised at her reaction and I asked her why she was so sensitive. I asked her what’s wrong. I told her if something’s wrong she should tell me.
Instead of telling me, she wrote me a little note that made me realize how much pressure she must be under.
She said she got so mad because her long time yaya and I were giving her instructions at the same time and she was scrabbling to follow both. She said when she wasn’t able to follow her yaya, her yaya got mad at her (because she didn’t know I also told her to do something).
She told me in the letter it’s hard to be her. It broke my heart.
I let her yaya read the letter.
Her yaya cried. I cried.
I called her and she rushed into my arms and started bawling.
I apologized over and over again and I told her how much I loved her.
She cried, saying “it’s okay mama”, as we hugged each other.
She went to her yaya and they had a moment with each other too.
I needed that.
Sometimes, I expect too much from my kids.
Sometimes, I can get cranky at them because they’re such easy targets.
All they want is to be loved and snuggled. They don’t know I didn’t sleep. They don’t know how much work I need to do. They don’t know if I’m in a rush and feeling harassed.
All they know is “mama is mad at me” and it breaks their little hearts because they love me so much.
I needed this. I needed to be reminded.
I’m not perfect, I never pretended to be. But I need to be better.
To my little lady, baby man and baby boy:
“I love you forever, I’ll like you for always. As long as I’m living, my baby, you’ll be. ”
— Taken from the book “I love you forever”