To be .. or not to be.. a mother of three…

I’m surrounded by people having babies!  My friends are all having babies one after another.  Seeing them all have another little one pulls on my heartstrings and I feel stirrings of sadness that I don’t have a baby anymore.  I thought it would go away but it’s been months and the feeling has not gone away.

As a result, despite all logic and my promises to only have two children, I’ve been very tempted to have another child.

Everyone around me is trying to talk me into having another child.  They keep saying I have good kids and a lot of people regret not having more kids.  They keep telling me if I’m feeling sad now, the feelings of regret will inevitably follow when having children is no longer an option for me due to the limitations of age.  Even my kids and husband want another baby.

I will be turning 37 this year and my energy level isn’t as high as it used to be no matter what I do.  I’m worried that I don’t have the energy to really be as hands on as I was with my first two kids.  My two kids are behaved and conversant because I’m always on hand to play with them, talk to them, teach them and more importantly, discipline them if necessary.

I still want to be able to work, exercise and socialize.  I would want to maintain a balance because I know my kids are just “on loan” and I can’t afford to make them my entire life.  I’m unsure with myself if I can pull it off.  There are also other concerns like financial restraints and my IBS which limits what I can eat.  I worry it may affect my child’s development.

There are so many things to consider….

The funny thing is, as if God wants to test me, He sent over a week that really tested my patience.

I haven’t been able to sleep through the night due to attacks of insomnia.  Tired, I still went through my usual days of exercise (zumba and yoga) and work, which is slowly increasing in load.  Exam week is coming too so there’s a lot of work necessary including reviewing lessons with the kids and making up mock tests.  My patience was already running thin because of the lack of sleep and my energy level was down… so my patience was spread to the brink of snapping.

So I wondered, if this will drive me to the edge already, maybe having another child is not a good idea.

I am scared to do something that I’m unable to cope with… scared I won’t be giving another child the attention he or she is due.

Through the haze of uncertainty and fear though, a tiny pinprick of hope for the happiness another child can bring shines through.

Logically, I should just stop at two.

But when has love ever been logical?

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