There are moments that I feel I can’t get a handle on my life.
My house is a mess. I’m behind on work, and whatever work I’ve done, I feel is not as good as I should be doing. I’m tutoring my child but I’m impatient a lot of the time. I shuttle my kids to and fro school and their various activities but I’m distracted. Sometimes I feel like I’m here, but my mind is elsewhere thinking of other stuff I need to do.
The day to day of motherhood and working makes me feel swamped almost the whole day but at the end of the day, it feels like I have not accomplished anything concrete.
I look at other moms and I literally wonder to myself… “How do they do it?” (Yes, much like the book which is a great one by the way) I wonder why are they so together? In between driving, working, tutoring, mothering, and all the itty bitty errands and responsibilities, I feel like I’m letting too much fall through the cracks and it’s frustrating. Why do they look together and accomplished while I’m too busy chasing my own tail half the time? Why aren’t they as neurotic as I am?
My mind buzzes with the mental list of things I need to do….I need to sort up the mess in my house. I need to do income statements and reports for the coffee shop; and tracking and regular inventory for the rice business. I need to prepare test papers and worksheets for my kids’ study hour. I need to do errands for the home. I need to remember when to leave the office to pick up my kids from school. I need to exercise for my own peace of mind (and for my husband’s benefit too).
There are so many things that I need to do that my mind goes a little haywire sometimes and I get weepy.
Then at the height of my neurosis, as I was fixing documents at home while waiting for my kids to wake up from their nap, I heard my kids snuffling in the background. I turned around and they were giggling to each other and they looked at me and with giant smiles on their faces, they asked for a snuggle.
“To hell with it”, I thought…and I joined them in the bed. We snuggled, hugged, kissed and the kids piled on top of me, smooshing me to the bottom of the bed. All the while, the three of us were laughing hysterically.
Fun time soon gave way to tutor time to prepare for my daughter’s periodicals the following day.
However, that moment of joy left me with a smile in my heart and wiped away most of my neurotic thoughts. I realized that I should enjoy the moment. I should enjoy my kids. I should learn to unclench a little.
At the end of it all, that’s what they will remember… the happiness WITH their mother… not the “perfection” I’m aiming for.