No-More-Baby Blues

My son was sitting on the couch, looking so small with his feet dangling from the edge, and in his big boy voice said “Mama, where are you going?”

I told him I was going to the office and he gave me a pouty face.  He told me to stay with him a while longer so I carried him and put him on my lap, enjoying the feel of his weight and his warmth.  He’s getting tall, I realized, as I was kissing the back of his little neck and he was giggling uncontrollably.

Earlier than normal, he loudly proclaimed that he was already sleepy in the MIDDLE of his favorite cartoon which is unusual.  He pulled on my hand and insisted I put him down for his nap and stay with him until he falls asleep.

I was too weak to resist.

We walked up the stairs, hand in hand, very slowly because he said even his feet were sleepy.  He picked his favorite “fluffy” pillows from the selection on my bed and snuggled into the wedge between the pillows.   He insisted I should close my eyes with him which caused me to drowse off a little myself.  When I woke up, I realized he had fallen asleep while holding onto my hand.

I looked at his face and I realized… I don’t have a baby anymore.  Tears actually filled my eyes as I rubbed his hair and he snuffled in his sleep.  I’m going to miss having a baby around to snuggle and baby and perch on my lap.  I’m going to miss having someone cling to my leg and whine when I go out.  I am going to miss having someone shout “Mama Mama Look at Me!” every 5 minutes.  I am ACTUALLY going to miss this leash of having little children.  I didn’t think I was going to be THAT kind of mom… Surprise surprise!… I AM.

Children grow up so quickly.  Too quickly… in my opinion.

My daughter, at 8, is already finding out the joy of friendships outside of our home.  I noticed that although she still whines when I’m not around and she misses me, she is already starting to find her own path.  She insists on eating her lunches at school even though our house is just a stone’s throw away in order to spend fun time with friends.  She also has a friend who regular calls her everyday to just chat for a couple of minutes on the phone or ask about the lessons for the day (which I inevitably have to answer).  She enjoys playgroups so much (Aidan too actually) and enjoys reading quietly in the corner for HOURS.  She still enjoys snuggling with me thankfully and I hope I will be able to enjoy snuggling with her for a couple more years.

Sooner or later, I’m going to have to let them go and be their own person…. and that’s going to be a lot harder than I thought it was going to be.

I know I’m going to have to allow them to grow up and wobble their way through life.  All I can do now is hope and pray that they will welcome me in their life as they are growing up and that I’ll have the wisdom to know when to let go and when to pry…  when to help them and when to allow them to help themselves… when to cuddle them and when to be hard on them… when to be a friend and when to be a MOM.

And I also hope and pray that they will still listen to their old mom when they’re bigger because for me.. they will ALWAYS be my babies. ALWAYS.  I don’t think anything is ever going to change that.


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